Saturday, May 23, 2015

Diary: Sleepless Nights

I did not have the best of days today.  We are all human, we have good days and bad days; today happened to be a bad day for me.  I am now laying up tossing and turning trying to fall asleep.  Sleep does not seem to be in my near future.  This is my blog, this is real and I'm sorry if this is not the kind of post that you want to see; feel free to skip it.

Some days are rougher on my self esteem.  Today was one of those days.  Nothing in particular happened I'm just feeling sad/bummed out.  I went shopping which is normally fun and nothing horrible happened.  I haven't changed sizes, I was hoping I had gone down but at least I'm not going up.  I did buy a shirt from the plus sized section of forever21 but that isn't really anything different than I've ever done before.  I met up with friends and had a great talk but now laying down it is apparently reflection time and my brain does not want to rest.  I have had issue with my body image before and I'm working on being more positive and believing people when they compliment me.  I am also working on breaking down my walls.  I don't trust people easily.  Sometimes it scares me to be myself and be outgoing.  I have built up walls so high over the past years that I am not sure how to even begin breaking them down.  There was no traumatic event just over time I have become more and more introvert.  I think that is what bums me out the most; I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself.  It is difficult caring about everyone while everyone is convinced you do not give a f*ck about anything.  I put on that act but the secret is, I give a lot of f*cks.  I care about people, I want people to be happy, and when I ask about your day I really do care.  I feel like I have been overshadowed and I have always been fine with it; I am good at being invisible and I don't feel the need to be in the spotlight.  There are people that need to be in the spotlight, there is nothing wrong with that, so I let them have it.  Growing up, we see that wicked conceded person on a tv show and are in a way taught not to like them when in reality we should take a page rom their book.  Be confident in yourself is the lesson we should learn from them.  I am not saying to be a conceded a**hole but they can list off (all) of their great qualities (some not so great haha but it comes with the territory).  I am not one of those people, I struggle when I'm asked what my strengths are and typically need to ask someone close to me for assistance.  I really want to change that.  I know there are great things about myself and I want to believe the positive things that others say about me.  I know I have the positive qualities they list, sometimes I just have a difficult time pulling them up.  I also have trouble admitting to myself when things are bothering me.  I push them down and let them build and sometimes I don't even realize something has been bothering me until I hit a breaking point.  Clearly I've gotten very good at ignoring problems.  I'm also stressed about not having a job for the summer yet.  I know summer has just begun but my friends all are at least doing something and I'm sitting over here doing nothing and feeling like I am going nowhere.  I don't have much going on in my life so I feel like I have very little to contribute to the conversation when we all get together.  I am the token single friend and jobless - two topics that get covered extensively.  Some days are just hard and today was one of those days.

Taking the time to put my thoughts down when I can't sleep helps me a lot.  I also texted a friend (who lives in a different time zone so it isn't a ridiculous hour) just to chat which is also helping.  In this post I am admitting a lot of things that I've had trouble admitting to myself before this moment.

I know that this post is long and wordy and honestly I'm not even sure if I am going to post it.  If I post it I'm not even positive that I am going to keep it up.  I just needed to get these words and thoughts down so they stopped running through my head - yes I am one of those people.

To anyone still reading, thank you for listening (technically reading) my rant and I hope you are able to sleep well & have a wonderful day still!

xox

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